


Narcissistic Cannibal

by reishi



Category: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 17:27:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1613306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reishi/pseuds/reishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the darkness of the night my steps fade away. My insane laughter is devoured by the pouring rain.<br/> What I laugh about I don’t know. Is it the world’s way of looking down on me - or is it my own gaze raised from mud and dirt towards the gleaming sunlight I abjured long ago?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Narcissistic Cannibal

————————————

Don’t want to be

Sly and defile you

Desecrate my mind

And rely on you

————————————

 

In the darkness of the night my steps fade away. My insane laughter is devoured by the pouring rain.

What I laugh about I don’t know. Is it the world’s way of looking down on me - or is it my own gaze raised from mud and dirt towards the gleaming sunlight I abjured long ago?

Maybe I laugh about both; the despicable self of the eternal loser I am, and about the fate which turned me into that.

You.

You are my destiny, my beginning and my end, took my life and formed it as you pleased, deformed and finally discarded, exchanged it. One more time I was but second choice, not the best one. Not for you, whose recognition would have meant everything to me.

I should have known it right from the start. Why should fortune favor someone like me and let me get my life back together again? It would be too easy, wouldn’t it?

Long time I needed to take stock of myself and to decide my further future without really seeing any possible choices. Doomed I should be - and doomed I am - to still contain enough pride within myself to push the hand away you stretch out into my own hell. However, I don’t even have the ability to recognize you clearly, too bright is the light emitted by your very self, threatening to burn me while already having burned me long ago. 

This is my path without an end, my prelude without finale, a path, brightened by an indispensable burden and obligation to redeem the debt I owe to this world. With my only fault being to never have been better than you.

 

————————————

I just want to break

This crown

But it’s hard when

I’m so rundown and

 

You’re so cynical

Narcissistic cannibal

Got to bring

Myself back from

The dead

————————————

 

Wet hair stick to my forehead, my clothes are torn, raddled, flithy from wind and weather. Finding shelter under these circumstances is a physical impossibility for a condemned creature like me.

To blame is not only my own failure, but also the one person who made me fail. In everything we did you surpassed me. You made me feel the worthlessness of my own very existence and the importance of proving one’s own worth during this cruel period of time in between birth and death, again and again and again. A task you could stand up to and even I could cope with until I met you. No praise, no compliment, no appreciation. You are independent. You don’t need me..

Maybe this is exactly what I am unable to handle. Maybe this is exactly what always made me ludicrouly search refuge in your arms.

I’m so tired of always overthinking, and I’m tiref of this life. Day by day, step by step, fight by fight. For a long time it had been my fondest wish to surpass you one day, to dethrone you, but being the loser I am, am I even able to achieve something like that, or will this goal elude me once more?

You look at him while I act out of the shadow, all the time waiting for the one opportunity to prove my worth to you - but you don’t see me, don’t turn around to face me, and you gaze does not , drehst dich nicht zu mir, not deigning to look at my darkness for a mere second.

For you, it is taken for granted that everything plays right into your hands, but if somebody pulls the strings from behind instinctively and against every sense of comprehension, that could hardly interest you less.

Walking the path of heaven; the man who will rule over everything. You had always talked about yourself like that, never giving rise to doubts that another future could be possible. Sometimes I used to ask myself if you ever hear yourself talking and believe the words you say.

Back in the days I could still see your light, touch it and let myself get captured by its brightness. But now there isn’t anyone to catch me. Deeper and deeper I sink down my hell of depression and self-loathing. My screams stay unanswered, my cries for help unnoticed.

I envy your ability to walk this violent earth with your gaze turned away from everything unworthy to exist in your perfect life.

Just like you turned away from me.

 

———————————-

Sometimes I hate

The life I made

Everything’s wrong every time

————————————

 

Henshin. How much I learnt to hate, to detest that word, and with it all those burdens and duties it contains. People expect me to save a world far beyond salvation, and to succor a humanity far beyond humaneness.

Here I stand, living a life I don’t want to live, entrusted with a task the loser I am is not capable of fulfilling.

Was it my fault that my interests became more egoistic than to care about the welfare of my comrades and to let my principles of perfect harmony be darkened by an eternal wave of darkness? Kanzen Chouwa. Perfect harmony. A lie above-board and the most beautiful of all fairy tales, but how should I have known any better before having experienced the horror firsthanded?I shared special moments with you, whole nights from time to time, which made me naively believe that the union of perfection and harmony were within my reach. However, as soon as I stretched out my hand, those ideals bursted into dust.

Now it is my whole pitiful existence which lies bursted down in front of my feet on the ground. Shattered, smashed by my own simpleheartedness and the incompetence to keep my former employees in control. I was deceived, betrayed by every single one of them, in particular by one, but above all by myself.

Everything I laid my hands upon burst to a gazillion of pieces. Almost everything. Your glamour remains untouched, your pride as sublime as ever.Your arms so strong. Everytime they catched me until they let me fall just once. Instead of bothering with picking me up again, you turned away, turned towards him. Maybe he is a man of ability more than I ever was. Maybe he is more of use for you than I ever was.

But now, look at me. Look at what became of me. Look at how you made me change.

 

————————————

Pushing on I can’t escape

Everything that comes my way

Is haunting me taking its

Sweet time

Holding on I’m

Lost im a haze

Fighting life ‘til the end of my days

————————————

 

Since when this fight already is lasting, I am not capable of saying. The hell around me is rampaging uncessantly, but even more seething is the heat of the battle that that is fought deep within my very soul. My head is empty, my body almost weightless. And even though I end up unable to grasp a single thought coming to mind, and I can’t even lift a single finger, so leaden and heavy feels my body.

The darkness I always evoked myself encases me like an icy veil, freezing my dead heart and making my deaf body shiver. But it hurts. It feels like my whole self is decaying, everything that held me tight day by day, night by night and led me a way. In my iced heart, there form cracks, making the crystalline layer break and splinter. The pain doesn’t seem to cease; it threatens to devour me.

What had it been this time that I have done wrong? Not even the human who decided on his own that he wanted to spend his life with me I could lead through this hell without having him take any harm. The one and only man who ever needed me and my leadership. Slain by my own hand, murdered ferociously. Behind the thought of having him spared from pain and sorrow I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to flee anymore, be it from death and pain or from light and hope. After all it was my way of living that made this person lose his life in the end.

This time I don’t want to accuse you, but live with the consequences of my actíons. Once again I was too selfish, once again I will be therefore called to justice.

While darkness had devoured me, he will forever be entombed by total ecplise.

Can it really go on like this? Do I wish to carve out my miserable existance and lose one person I cared about after another? To accept his death his hard, but it would be my certain end to witness your last seconds. Since a long time already I don’t feel alive anymore, only fulfill my duties and recently I have been delighted to have found a greater purpose in life in guiding him through his. But now he is gone for good. I have lost what once was my support and once again everything around me is threatening to be shattered to pieces.

Today, I won’t allow that. Today, I keep together the shards instead of stepping right into them.

No, it cannot go on like this, there is something I absolutely have to change. Finally, I am deeply grieved, and at least one time in my life I wish to learn from the mistakes I made in the past.

 

————————————

I just need to look around

See the light that has come unbound

————————————

 

Internally torn, split in two and more dead than alive I stroll through dark alleyways, streets, and let memories of my old me advect my thoughts and carry me.

A small café with a french name….

 

————————————

Holding on

————————————

 

There a narrow storeroom can be found, hardly used, but often misused by the both of us.

For some seconds I remain here and lower my eyelids in .

I feel like the rest of my ice catches fire. But beware - my heart is protected no longer.

My legs carry me further through the night, this time alongside a busy road which is still very lively at this late hour. Here I find an inconspicuous office building, but only plain for outsiders. Once again I stop, recalling the past.

 

————————————

I’m lost im a haze

————————————

 

In former times I used to spend hours here, extra hours even.

However, all this time I had been driven by a thrill of anticipation.

Your visits never had been long, but you knew how to make me enjoy every single one of them.

With heavy steps I leave this place too, my spurs shuffling on rough asphalt where I don’t watch my steps. It’s dripping, but the sky is starlit.

 

————————————

Fighting life ‘til the end of my days

————————————

 

What touched the ground here is no rain. It seems as if it is my own blood.

Beautiful, tangling red. The color of hatred I always pretended to carry within me, only telling lies to myself.

I crack a smile, the first honest one since uncountable days. What a fitting color that is.

My sight blurs. Is it due to blood loss? But I’m almost at my destination, soon I’ll reach the end of my endless way.

 

————————————

Holding on

————————————

 

Just a few steps left. A huge gate of steel arches up in front of me. I can still see light inside of the house. Hear laughter. Maybe a window is open?

As if it was the only thing I ever knew and ever did, I step through the heavy gate towards the house, entering the piece of land as if it was my own.

But I don’t manage to reach the door, I get distracted. Here on the outside something catches my attentio, captures my imagination.

Yet another flame seizes me, blazes the trail closer and closer towards my heart.

 

————————————

I’m lost im a haze

————————————

 

Bright lights whirr around the small pond, reflect themselves on the surface. A dreamlike sight.

A warmth fills my entire body, pulls me close forcefully and never wants to let me go again. Warm breath against my neck, my ear.

A fragrance so distinct and unmistakable that I could differ it from thousands. I let myself fall, once again. My feet cannot carry me anymore, yield, I fall over, ready to give in to darkness forever.

Nothing happens. No darkness, no blackness, just a last gleaming red flame that warms my whole heart, my whole being.

Red isn’t only the color of hatred. It also is the color of love.

"Welcome home", I hear you say. Hearing these words from your mouth directed to me is probably the most dazzling thing this hell could offer me.

"I’m home."

The path of heaven. My path out of hell. Rarely I had felt as perfect as in this very moment. As satisfied. As happy.

You are my perfect harmony.

You are my Kanzen Chouwa.

 

————————————

Living life ‘til the end of our days

————————————

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first work I upload here. Furthermore, English is not my native language, so please excuse small mistakes.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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